The Power of a Fresh View: Why Lens Shift Matters in Parenting
A lens shift is a powerful change in how you see the world, especially in the context of parenting and how you view children. Traditionally, many parenting approaches have been built on the idea that children should obey authority, and when they don't, they should face punishment. However, a lens shift offers a new perspective: children are seen not as individuals to be controlled but as people with valid emotions and thoughts who deserve respect. This shift enables you to approach parenting with more empathy, understanding, and intention, making it less about enforcing compliance and more about fostering mutual respect.
Since becoming a parent, one of my best decisions has been altering my perspective and embracing this lens shift. Not only has this helped me become a better mother, but it has also heightened my self-awareness and enhanced the way I engage with my child. Interestingly, this approach is one I have long employed in my teaching career, where I always strove to see students as unique individuals with complex emotions. However, becoming a parent prompted me to dive deeper into this mindset, refining and expanding it in my personal and professional life.
The impact of this shift in perspective on my relationship with my child has been incredible. From the moment they were born, I consciously tried to engage with them in a way that honoured their emotions and respected their individuality. As a result, I have seen behaviours that reflect kindness, empathy, and understanding. These are not qualities I believe were innate; they are the product of how I interact with them and the environment we've cultivated together.
Changing how I approach, engage, and communicate with my child has allowed me to build an amazingly close relationship based on trust and mutual respect. It hasn't always been easy, and like any meaningful relationship, it requires effort, patience, and time. However, the rewards are immeasurable. This approach sets a foundation of respect and trust that becomes the basis for future interactions. Instead of constantly enforcing rules or reacting to disobedience with punishment, this relationship model encourages cooperation, open dialogue, and emotional intelligence. These are qualities that will serve not only our relationship but also their future interactions with others.
One of the most profound things about a lens shift is how it ripples through other areas of life. When you see children differently and acknowledge that they are people with complex emotional lives who deserve respect, you also start to see the world differently. This perspective opens doors to more mindful interactions with everyone around you. It creates a mindset where empathy is the default, listening becomes more important than being heard, and relationships are built on mutual respect, regardless of age or authority.
The process of shifting this lens takes time to happen. It takes practice and often requires you to unlearn some of the methods and beliefs you may have grown up with. For many of us, the way we were parented or taught in school was based on a hierarchical model of respect—where the child must respect the adult simply because of their age or position of authority. In contrast, a lens shift challenges this notion, advocating for a model where respect is earned and shared equally, regardless of age. This can be a challenging transition, but one that is undeniably worth it.
Reflective Listening
Over time, I have learned various strategies to help implement this lens shift in my day-to-day interactions. One such strategy is reflective listening—where instead of immediately reacting to what my child says or does, I take a moment to reflect on their emotions and offer a response that acknowledges their feelings. This might be as simple as saying, "I see you're upset because we have to leave the park," rather than dismissing their frustration with "Stop crying; it's time to go." Reflective listening validates their emotions and shows them that their feelings are respected, even if they still need to leave the park.
Collaborative Problem-Solving
Another important strategy is collaborative problem-solving. Instead of dictating every decision or rule, I involve my child in solving problems. For example, if they are upset about bedtime, I see what their behaviour is showing me (i.e. are they hungry, do they need more connection time before bed), and devise a plan together, like reading an extra story before bed. This approach not only teaches them about negotiation and compromise but also reinforces that their opinions are valued.
These strategies, and others like them, require patience and practice, but they ultimately build a strong foundation of trust and understanding. They also remind us that our role as parents is not just to enforce rules but to guide our children in navigating their own emotions and relationships. I incorporated these strategies within my picture book Don’t Go, which is a resource parents can use to support their children navigate the challenging situation of separation anxiety.
This perspective shift has transformed my parenting and supported other approaches I take. It aligns with the values I strive to model, such as empathy, open communication, and respect for others. More than anything, it reinforces the idea that children are not incomplete adults but fully formed individuals with thoughts, feelings, and experiences that deserve acknowledgment.
I encourage other parents and caregivers to consider this lens shift as well. It's a powerful tool that can transform your relationship with your child and how you see the world around you. Approaching every interaction with the mindset that everyone's feelings and experiences are valid I believe paves the way for healthier, more fulfilling relationships in all areas of life.
I will continue to share more strategies and insights on how I implement this approach in my own parenting journey via my podcast Chalk and Coffee, website and social media platforms on Instagram, Facebook and TikTok. Even small changes in how we interact with our children can lead to big transformations in our relationships with them.
Shana is a primary school teacher, mother and author who believes nurturing the whole child is extremely important and something she instils in her interactions with students and now her child. Using her background knowledge as a trauma-informed educator, she wanted to build a space that could be a helpful resource for parents and families, so her business Nurture Connect Play was created. You can purchase and find more information about Shana’s books on her website, listen to her podcast Chalk and Coffee, and connect with her on Instagram, Facebook and TikTok.