What Infertility Feels Like

When we first started trying, I was unbelievably hopeful. I didn’t think there would be any problems because I didn’t really have any reason to worry. After all, my mom had given birth to 3 healthy children (myself and my siblings), so genetically, I thought I’d have no issue. I was also healthy and still in the doctor-determined child-bearing years. I thought I was a pretty safe bet for pregnancy without much hassle.

When we first started trying and I didn’t get pregnant in the first few months, I didn’t worry too much and still felt confident it would happen. After all, many couples have to try for months and months before they get pregnant. I assumed that was the case for us.

With each month that passed, my worry that motherhood would never happen grew and grew. Every negative test was another month of heartbreaking disappointment. When we hit the year mark of trying, we weren’t any closer to being parents and had spent over $2000 on fertility acupuncture, vitamins and supplements.

Even though I thought I was prepared and knew exactly what the doctor would say, when he delivered the official diagnosis of infertility, I crumbled. I’ve felt somewhat in pieces ever since. However, the feelings you deal with during the infertility journey are a lot more complicated than that.

Infertility Feels Lonely

Infertility is incredibly isolating. I have a loving family and wonderful friends. I also have an extremely supportive partner who’s in this whole thing with me. At the same time, they don’t fully understand my experience.

I don’t have anyone close to me who’s been through this. My friends who have children were able to get pregnant without much struggle. Friends who are struggling that I know of, already have one child and don’t know the pain of not even being able to have one. Every year, there’s colleague after colleague going on maternity leave. I’ve felt like no one in my life truly understands what I’m going through and that’s a lonely place to be.

Infertility Feels Shameful

I feel ashamed that I can’t do that one thing that I thought my body, as a women, was supposed to be able to do. I feel ashamed that I can’t do the one thing that I always assumed I would do. I feel ashamed that so many people around me (friends, family, colleagues, etc.) are able to become pregnant and I can’t. Even though I know that fertility and motherhood is somewhat out of my control, shame creeps into my mind more often than I’d like to admit.

Infertility Fuels Jealousy

When another friend or co-worker announces their pregnancy, I’m always happy for them; however, (even though this is really hard to admit) I also feel jealous. When I see facebook or instagram posts of friends posting pictures of their children, I feel jealous. When I see a mom with her baby or her young child at the grocery store, I feel jealous. When I go to work as an elementary teacher, I feel jealous of the parents who send these lovely children to school. All of these people have the one thing I’ve always wanted that I always thought was part of my destiny: becoming a parent. During this journey, it’s easy to go down the jealousy wormhole.

Infertility Fuels Anger

Sometimes, the infertility journey makes my blood boil. I get so angry at my genetics. I get angry at my uterus and my ovaries. I get angry at my PCOS. I get angry at myself. I get angry with moms that I hear complaining about motherhood (because I’m not fortunate enough to have motherhood to complain about). I get upset with my partner. I get angry with God. Somedays, my anger has no bounds.

Infertility Feels Out of Control

There’s so many things in our life we can control: our careers, relationships, friendships, diet, exercise, etc. Unfortunately, for those of us who are part of the infertility tribe, our fertility and ability to become pregnant is out of our control. Of course, there’s measures we can take to improve fertility; however, at the end of the day, there’s only so much we can do.

Infertility Makes me Feel Broken

There have been so many days on this journey where I’ve felt broken. Even though infertility requires you to create a whole new set of coping-skills and develop a tougher skin, there are some days where I feel like such a failure. I’ve felt so empty. Infertility makes me feel like less of a woman. At times, I feel so damaged and broken.

Infertility Feels Hopeless

Infertility warriors are incredible at staying hopeful, even through the storms. At the same time, when struggling through this, it’s so easy to go to dark places, thinking words like impossible. Even though I know there’s a long road ahead and many avenues I can take that could lead to motherhood, infertility feels hopeless. Now that I’m a year and a half into this journey and I’m still not pregnant, I feel, at times, like my efforts are ultimately leading me to a dead-end.

Infertility Feels Endless

I have no idea how this infertility journey is going to end for me. I try to hold onto my dream of motherhood and keep my head up. I try to stay hopeful (even if I feel hopeless). I try to tell myself that this year will be the year. At the same time, I don’t know how long it will take to get pregnant or how this journey will all end.

Worse than this, if I truly can’t get pregnant, I have no idea when I’ll throw in the towel and give up trying. I wonder when I would give up on all hope. I wonder a lot of things and wonder if there will ever be a true end to this.

Infertility is Traumatic

Whichever way you look at infertility, it’s traumatic. It changes what you think about yourself. Research has shown that women dealing with infertility have depression and anxiety levels similar to those with cancer, H.I.V. and heart disease.

Infertility make you feel inadequate, can wreak havoc on your mental health, can ruin marriages, and does a number on your self-worth. Infertility also destroys the image you had in your mind about what you imagined your life to be. Those children you always thought you’d have are no longer certain. Nothing is certain. Even if you do end up becoming pregnant and having healthy children, the pain of infertility sometimes doesn’t fade and the trauma of it all can be hard to heal.

If you’ve struggled with any of the above feelings, know that you aren’t alone.