Supporting Children After a Loss: Top 10 Questions Answered
*This Article is originally from the Ask Auntie Angie blog. Posted with permission.
Death and Lemonade
One of my first-ever grief conversations was with one of the kids from my nonprofit, "The Kids Who Care Club." We had set up a lemonade stand one weekend to raise money for a local charity organization. It was one of those perfect sunny afternoons filled with excitement, teamwork, and sugar jitters.
Lilly was eight years old at the time. She was vibrant, determined, and full of compassion—qualities that would soon be put to the test. Lilly was a huge fan of The Little Mermaid, and her dog Flounder was her best buddy. But not long before our lemonade stand, Lilly's parents had gone through something heartbreaking: Flounder had passed away while Lilly was at school.
They didn't know how to tell their daughter that her best friend died. Like many loving parents, they wanted to protect her from pain, so they decided to say Flounder had run away. I get it—parents often think that a little white lie might shield their kids from grief. However, Lilly's parents didn't realize that this decision opened up a whole new set of emotional challenges for Lilly.
So, when Lilly showed up at the stand, she was holding homemade flyers, asking if she could hand them out to every customer. Lilly was on a mission to find her lost friend, and all I could see was a little girl who felt abandoned. I was eager to help Lilly find Flounder because I only had her side of the story. But, when I saw the look on her parents' faces— a look of hidden stress that told a different story—my heart sank.
Lilly's mom pulled me aside and shared their struggle. I could feel the weight of her worry. I knew it was time to draw insights from my experience working with children to gently tell Lilly the truth.
Here are some of the questions Lilly's parents (and many other parents) have asked me over the years when they want to talk about death with their kids:
Top 10 Questions About Death/Grief Answered
1. How do I explain death to my child?
With a gentle approach and her parents beside me, I explained to Lilly that Flounder didn't run away; he died. She needed to understand that sometimes, pets and people die, and it's okay to feel sad about that. I used clear, age-appropriate language, avoiding euphemisms like "lost" or "gone." It was essential to convey honesty without overwhelming her, and I encouraged her parents to be open about Flounder's death and the general details surrounding it.
2. What signs of grief should I look for in my child?
After sharing the news, I encouraged Lilly's parents to observe her reactions. Children express grief through a range of emotions—anger, sadness, or withdrawal. Lilly's initial shock turned into anger, particularly towards her parents for not telling her the truth. This response is entirely natural, and I emphasized the importance of recognizing and validating her feelings.
3. How can I help my child process their grief?
I suggested that they create a memory box for Flounder. Together, they could fill it with photos, favourite toys, and other mementos that reminded them of their time with him. Creative activities like this can provide a healthy outlet for emotions, allowing children to process their grief in a hands-on way.
4. Should I encourage my child to talk about their feelings?
Yes, encouraging open communication is critical. I emphasized to Lilly's parents the importance of creating a safe space for her to express her feelings. That day, Lilly was upset and needed to vent her anger. Her parents listened actively, validating her emotions and giving her the reassurance she needed.
5. How do children typically react to a death?
Children's reactions can vary widely based on their age, personality, and the nature of the loss. Young children may display confusion or think nothing has changed, while older children may express sadness or anger. The National Alliance for Children's Grief notes that children may also experience guilt, believing they could have prevented the death in some way. Understanding these reactions can help parents provide appropriate support. As Lilly navigated her feelings, her parents reassured her that it was not her fault, fostering an environment where she could process her grief without self-blame.
6. How do I handle my child's questions about death and the afterlife?
When your child asks questions about death, provide honest answers that align with your beliefs while remaining sensitive to their feelings. It's essential to avoid giving overly complex explanations. Instead, keep it straightforward and let them guide the conversation. If you don't know the answer, it's okay to say so and encourage ongoing dialogue.
7. How can I support my child during significant dates or anniversaries?
Significant dates, such as birthdays or anniversaries of a death, can be particularly tough for grieving children. Create a plan to acknowledge these days, including sharing memories, lighting a candle, or engaging in an activity the child enjoyed with the deceased. This approach allows your child to honour their feelings while creating new memories in a supportive environment.
As the lemonade stand concluded, Lilly proposed a beautiful idea: declaring the day Flounder died as "Flounder Day." She wanted to honour her furry friend by enjoying his favourite foods and remembering all the joyful moments they shared. This ritual provided a structure for their family to celebrate Flounder's memory in a heartfelt way.
8. How can I help my child cope with changes in routine after a loss?
Loss often disrupts daily life, and children thrive on routine. Help your child maintain as much stability as possible, such as sticking to regular meal and bedtime schedules. Additionally, they should be involved in establishing new routines to help them regain a sense of control and security.
I encouraged Lilly's parents to maintain a routine in their daily lives, providing stability during an unpredictable time. Simple things like continuing to visit the animal shelter or taking walks in the park can create a comforting rhythm for her.
9. Is it okay for my child to feel angry or upset about the death?
Absolutely. Grief can manifest as anger, and parents need to validate these emotions. Lilly's parents approached her with empathy, acknowledging her anger and apologizing for not telling her the truth sooner. This open acknowledgment helped Lilly feel heard and understood.
10. What resources are available for grieving children and families?
Numerous resources are available to support grieving families. The National Alliance for Children's Grief provides directories of local grief support groups, books, and counselling services tailored for children. Look for age-appropriate literature that addresses grief, online resources, and forums where families can connect with others experiencing similar situations.
Here is a link to another article that lists websites, books, and other resources to help children on their grief journey. You can also download these FREE Printable Grief Worksheets.
The Results: How Lilly and Her Family Moved Forward
By the end of that lemonade stand event, something shifted. Lilly began to process her grief, and her parents learned how to support her in a more meaningful way. Just a year later, when Lilly lost her grandmother, she and her family chose to honour her memory by celebrating her birthday with cookies and sharing stories about her life.
It's incredible to see how, with patience and love, families can find ways to cope and create meaningful memories together. Like Lilly, many kids have this incredible capacity to honour their loved ones in unique ways. They can transform their grief into a celebration of love and remembrance. Grief might be a complex journey, especially for children, but it doesn't have to be faced alone. Together, we can navigate these difficult moments, finding healing and connection along the way.
The Ripple Effect of Parental Self-Care
When parents prioritize their self-care, the benefits extend beyond their well-being. Children are incredibly perceptive and often take cues from their parents on how to handle emotions and stress. You're teaching your child a valuable life lesson by showing them that caring for oneself is essential, even in the face of grief.
Engaging in self-care not only aids your healing process but also models healthy coping mechanisms for your child. Remember, seeking support and practicing self-care is not a sign of weakness but rather an act of strength. It acknowledges the profound impact of your loss while affirming your commitment to navigating the journey of grief with resilience and compassion—for both your child and yourself.
Final Thoughts
Navigating grief as a family can be overwhelming, but by addressing your child's questions and concerns with empathy and understanding, you can help them cope with their loss. Remember that each child grieves differently, and providing ongoing support and open communication is essential to building trust and a deeper connection with them. With the right tools and resources, you can foster a healthy grieving process that allows your child to heal and grow. And always remember, we can talk about hard things.
Auntie Angie is the author of "What Happened To Zoey? A Book About Grief for Kids" and the voice behind the Ask Auntie Angie blog. With a background as a teacher, children's non-profit founder, auntie, and mom, she helps parents and caregivers navigate tough conversations with children. Auntie Angie offers honest, empathetic advice on topics like grief, family dynamics, and big emotions—always with warmth, humor, and a judgment-free approach. Through storytelling and compassionate guidance, she reminds us that no question is too hard when it comes from a place of love.