Bring on the Storms: Divorce, Depression, and now Infertility

If you’ve been following me throughout the years, you know that I’ve suffered through trauma, divorce, and a consequent depression from these gut-wrenching experiences. I’ve also had to watch my father go from bad to worse as he lives with Parkinson’s disease. It’s been a tough road for me along this splendid path of mine. Unfortunately, during my suffering, I was hopeless and saw no way out. I won’t get into it, but I’ll say this: to this day I’m still somewhat surprised that I’m here right now. At the same time, I’m eternally grateful that I made it through.

That’s what The Splendid Path is really about: surviving when you’re falling apart. Getting through the next second when all you want to do is give up. Seeing the light even though darkness is destroying any ounce of sanity you have left.

In the past, I cultivated strength to cope with what I was going through and survived divorce, depression and family illness (even though I was utterly convinced I wouldn’t). These experiences taught me that I can make it through some horrible circumstances.

Unfortunately, now I’m facing a new storm: infertility. How am I going to get through this? Who knows, but I have faith that I will.

It’s been over a year that we’ve been trying. So far, not pregnant. Every month that goes by without a positive test is another month where I have to continue on with optimism and hope. At the same time, from time-to-time, it can get dark for me.

Every time another friend or family member gets pregnant, I feel emptiness. Every time I see a mother with her child, it’s hard. Every time I think about a possible future without kids, I breakdown a little.

I struggle a lot with feeling heartbroken over the fact that my body can’t seem to do the one thing I’ve always felt I was destined for: motherhood. I’m not sure I’m strong enough to get through yet another experience that has the potential to destroy me. I’m so scared that I’ll fall apart into pieces.

I guess at the very least, I have experience rising above the darkness and pushing on. I’ve done it before. I live every day with my father’s Parkinson’s. I’ve survived depression. I healed after divorce. I’ll tap into the strength I’ve cultivated to make peace with this storm. It’s really all I can do.

As I’ve written before, life will bring you to your knees and it’s what you do after that counts.

I’m going to make this next chapter count.

With this in mind, I wanted to officially announce that things around The Splendid Path will change a little. During this next chapter, I’ve decided to share my infertility journey with you. I’ll still post about divorce and mental health, but I’m excited to announce that I’ll also write about my infertility journey. I’ll share with you my struggles, triumphs, medical adventures and fertility advice.

This blog has been my saving grace these past few years. My writing wouldn’t be authentic if I avoided the current storm rocking my life. I hope that you stick with me throughout this next chapter in my ever-changing path. Your love, prayers, and support has helped lift me up when I’ve been at my lowest. I would love for you to join me along this new journey that I sincerely hope ends with motherhood.

To anyone else out there in my shoes, currently facing infertility, I’m sending you only peace and light.

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